The Super Bowl for Old People

Because we are old and tired, Laura and I aren’t going anywhere for the Super Bowl, and we aren’t having anyone over. It’s the perfect opportunity to blog the Super Bowl experience! Or at least the first half. After all, we’re old, and we have to be at school around 7am tomorrow. That brings me to my first Super Bowl observation – we can’t move this to Saturday? Don’t give me that tradition garbage; two games a week are played on days that aren’t Sunday almost every week of the season. We should at least hold the game on the Sunday before President’s Day. Let’s make this happen, America.

My prediction, by the way: Seattle by 3.

6:23: Someone sings the national anthem. Google tells us that it was Renee Fleming. That is all.

Opening Ceremony of the 124th IOC Session

6:27: The “Noah” trailer comes on and fails to have the effect that the ad people were hoping for on Laura. Her response: “Really?”

6:33: Safety for Seattle off of the bad snap. As everyone who played Tecmo Super Bowl knows, safeties win games.

6:40: Laura goes to the bathroom, giving me the chance to break out my Richard Sherman meme:

6:42: Next set of ads. They are the first Bud Light ad and a Maserati ad, and after watching both, I am no closer to buying either a Bud Light or a Maserati.

6:46: Seattle goes up 5-0 after a field goal.

6:47: The Doritos time machine ad was funny; the Chevy ad featuring the bull about to get lucky, not so much. Maybe I’m just not as moved by livestock foreplay as people who buy Chevies.

6:49: Denver manages to down the kickoff without Seattle tackling the return man for a safety. That’s a victory.

6:52: A Turbotax commercial depicts a sad guy who actually does his taxes instead of watching the Super Bowl. I instantly feel better about my plans for the evening, even if they currently involve watching a cut-throat game of “Brown Bear, Panda Bear.”

"More exciting than TurboTax!" - Ryan Abbott

“More exciting than TurboTax!” – Ryan Abbott

7:03: A terrible challenge by John Fox of Denver, which makes two terrible coach’s challenges in less than an hour. Laura was speculating earlier that the players were so hyped up because they were on coke or something; maybe that’s true of the coaches. Marijuana has been legalized in both Denver and Washington State, after all.

7:07: Great play by Irving prevents a Seattle TD. Seattle has dominated the game and is only up 8-0. So you’re telling me there’s a chance!

7:09: The Hyundai commercial featuring the teenager that is stopped from rear-ending another car by the collision sensor resonates with Laura. TARGET AUDIENCE REACHED.

7:10: The Brown Bear – Panda Bear game ends prematurely.

7:11: Manning throws a pick, which was followed by the most explosive play of the night. McKenna knocked over Laura’s popcorn trying to do some kind of jump from the couch. McKenna’s efforts to help clean up the popcorn disaster rank somewhere between “Broncos center snaps it over Manning’s head for a safety” and “Manning throws it directly to Seahawks safety at midfield.”

7:23: Seattle goes up 15-0 after a Marshawn Lynch TD. I think I’ve seen this Broncos Super Bowl before.

7:38: Pick 6 by Seattle. 22-0 Seattle. Following the odd Stephen Colbert pistachio commercial, Denver’s return man appears to fumble, causing Laura to accurately observe that this game sucks. Fortunately for all of us hoping for a decent game, the fumble call was overturned. So far, the My Little Pony ¬†game that McKenna has been playing on the iPad since the popcorn explosion has been more riveting and entertaining.

Maybe they should charge Super Bowl rates for ads.

Maybe they should charge Super Bowl rates for ads.

7:51: Shot of Eli Manning in the shadows as if he’s a super villain plotting some kind of evil act.

7:54: Denver goes for it on 4th down and fails to convert.

It's all going according to evil Eli's plans.

It’s all going according to evil Eli’s plans.

The half ends with Seattle winning 22-0, prompting Laura to look for entertainment by checking her work email. It might be time to watch last week’s Daily Shows.


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