Area Man Hosts Christmas Party for the Mentally Disturbed

LEONARD, MI – Area man Alex Girard hosted a Christmas party for a collection of insane asylum inmates Saturday night.

“They were great. It didn’t even matter to them that a Christmas was actually days ago,” Girard commented when contacted about the function.


To protect the general public, a remote location was selected as the site for the celebration.

Predictably, the event was characterized by all kinds of, well, insanity. One female patient obsessively changed the angle of her head whenever photographed, a trait made worse by the fact that the woman was also obsessive about wanting to be photographed. What would have been a handful of head angles for a normal person was dozens of head angles for her. “I was really worried that someone was going to take a forehead to the face the way she was whipping her head around, ” an event organizer commented. “It was like watching a manic giraffe.”


There were a number of attempts by the disturbed partiers to mimic traditional Christmas celebrations, such as when they held a “Crazy Bunco” gift exchange.


Although there were presents at the gift exchange, there was some confusion about the purpose of the ribbons.

Observers related that the event was a fascinating juxtaposition of tribal chanting, gambling, and a Chuck E Cheese birthday party. Rather than positioning the participants in the typical square or circle for the gift exchange, organizers went with the unorthodox T formation, apparently due to the pathological hatred of symmetrical shapes felt by a number of the patients. Circles and squares would also have led to more eye contact between the participants in the exchange, “and making eye contact with any of the women triggers a biological compulsion for them to tell you how they are in charge,” organizers claimed.

The bunco game was not the only thing that stood out as unusual – there was also a Christmas piñata. “One of [the patients] insisted that the three wise men brought a piñata to Bethlehem when Jesus was born,” Girard related. “When I challenged him, he opened his Bible and showed me the verse that proved this was true, but he had obviously used a green crayon to add the part about infant Jesus smiting the piñata.”


“And, lo, when there were not enough Skittles for the masses, the Lord then transformed the Whoppers into delicious rainbow candies, and there was much rejoicing.”

The destruction of the piñata was celebrated, as always, with dancing.


Later on this non-Christmas night, the dancing came to an end and the insane went on their way.
“One of them told me as she was leaving, without any explanation, that she ‘had birds everywhere’. I just patted her on the shoulder and said, ‘Sure you do, dear’.”


“Do you see all of the birds?!”

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