VARIOUS LOCATIONS IN SOUTHWESTERN VA Hiking expert J. Virgil Wilson had thought of everything in planning his latest hike. He had water, maps, photocopies of maps, numerous copies of his itinerary, hiking poles, trail mix… all the things he needed except for one – radiator fluid. Wilson’s engine overheated approximately one mile from the hike starting point. This turn of events led Wilson to exclaim, “That’s it. I’m getting a —-ing SUV!” Others remained calmer during the crisis. “When I realized the car was overheated, I tried to spell ‘help’ in the snow with my urine stream,” explained stranded hiker Ben Shindler. “Unfortunately, I ran out of pressure after the ‘E’.”
Luckily, urine was not needed to cool the engine off. The hikers ingeniously used snow to get the engine down to a functional temperature. The decision was made to turn the car around, and the result was crisis number two: the car could not complete Wilson’s S0-point turn in the snow, becoming stuck. when asked about this second crisis, Wilson responded, “That’s it. I’m getting a —-ing SUV!” After the car was extricated from the snow, the hiking team headed for the nearest safe gas station. One gas station was bypassed by the team under the “a gas station that also serves as someone’s home is not safe” rule. However, the next gas station served as someone’s home as well, but it was deemed safe under the “a gas station that also serves as someoneos home but which is franchised by a major gasoline company is probably safe” exception.
Having obtained coolant, the group proceeded to tour beautiful southwestern Virginia. The team finally did hike at Cumberland State Forest. While the hike did give Wilson the opportunity to use the $850 in hiking gear he possesses, the hike itself was so lackluster that after the hike Wilson stated, “That’s it. I’m getting a —-ing SUV!”